so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
