I wish my penis had an off switch
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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