I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Can I color on your dick again?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
