New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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