Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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