1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
