Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
