Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
