hell yes lets make some ravioli
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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