she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
it's great music for shaving your balls
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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