No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
