I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
