have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
