you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
