Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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