My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
