I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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