Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
