marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
