Don't make out with my wife yet
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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