why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
