There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
