You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
