I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
