I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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