i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
