Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
