her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
