Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
