I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
