my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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