i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
