Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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