what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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