Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
