I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
