Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
