Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
