he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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