Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
