tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
there is glitter all over my balls
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
