Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
