I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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