remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
