why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
