sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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