If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
