11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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