i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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