I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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