maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Randomize
