Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
